How much of a bastard are you?

This is where fights get placed and feelings get hurt...
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die
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How much of a bastard are you?

Post by die » Wed Jun 01, 2005 5:19 am

I was talking with some people the other day and we were talking about crazy shit we had done and soon I realized I had done some hardcore mean shit back in the day. I mean like, much meaner evil shit than other people had done. Like, they ran out of cool stories and I was still going with mine.

What are some of the most "bastard" things you have ever done. Cruel jokes, pranks, revenge, heartless acts of violence, etc.

There's one catch....it has to all be true stories. If you make up a story or steal a friends story and try to pretend it was you who did it, I will know and I will come to your house and put a lit cigarette out on your dick head, so don't fuck around.



I'll start it off with this....going way back into childhood....

I shot my cousin in the balls with a Roman Candle. It gets better though...he had a lit m-80 in his hand that he intended to throw at me and once the multi-colored flaming balls of light engulfed his nutsack area he forgot about the lit m-80. When I ran back around to see what was up, your boy looked like Wyle E. Motherfucking Coyote. He had shredded firecracker paper in his hand and his face was all black on one side, he was crying like a bitch. I laughed for 45 minutes until tears were running down my face. My mom came out to beat my ass, but I switched it and acted like those were tears of pain for such a tragic accident. I got off with little more than a slap on the wrist and a fireworks safety lesson.

2 years later, I caught the backyard on fire.
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lionheart
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Post by lionheart » Wed Jun 01, 2005 11:51 am

I rigged a jump that my buddies used to bike over to break when a particularly douchebaggery acquaintance went over it. I took out the support board and replaced it with a single rock, so when he hit it the ramp collapsed and he went flying the fuck down the gravel road, tearing his shit up. My three friends and I were all in on it, so we all rode right over the spot where the rock was, and were fine.

I fell to the ground laughing like I was hit by sniper fire.
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Post by Repo Man » Wed Jun 01, 2005 1:18 pm

My little nephew was showing everybody how he coud swim in the pool and he turns to me and says, "Uncle Repo, watch!"

So he just swims and does nothing amazing, so I said, "So?"

And he starts to cry and everyone looks at me like I just killed JFK.


THAT is being a bastard.

Fucking your friends up is just funny.
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Post by die » Wed Jun 01, 2005 4:58 pm

Oh, you wanna talk emotional damage?


When we were around 13 or 14, my friend's little sister had a bunch of kittens. His mom told us that they had to go. So, we gathered all of them up, including the momma cat. We put them in a big ass box. We opened the front door to a chinese restaraunt and let them all run inside. People lost their damn minds.
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Repo Man
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Post by Repo Man » Wed Jun 01, 2005 5:10 pm

Oh yeah?

My dad's friend had a glass eye and was taking a nap at our place one day, so he took it out. We shot marbles with that mother and I actually won some change with it. When we put it back, dude was complaining how fucked up his vision was, but he couldn't figure out why.

Maybe it had something to do with his boy's kid skipping it across the sidewalk.



Let me know when you want to get back to the real, because the cat thing was mad weak.
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die
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Post by die » Wed Jun 01, 2005 5:25 pm

saying "mad weak" is "mad weak". Get back to me once that simmers awhile.


Just curious maybe, but...Why was your dad's homeboys taking naps at your crib?


One time we filled a condom with some mayo, put it in my friend's dad's Mercedes. His mom found the crusty Trojan and thought my friend's dad had been cheating on her, which HE ACTUALLY HAD BEEN DOING AND HE THOUGHT THE CONDOM REALLY WAS HIS.


They got divorced.



Kinda makes the glass eye story seem a bit shitty now doesn't it?
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Post by Repo Man » Wed Jun 01, 2005 5:34 pm

This one time when I was younger, me and my friends were playing out back when this one knucklehead decides to climb this tree. Dude slips and tears his nutbag on one of the branches and lays their straddling on tree branch crying and bleeding from the crotch.

When we stopped laughing, we did rock, paper, scissors to see who would go get his parents.

He eventually moved away and had a sex change.


Yeah, that mayo rubber story was crazy insane. The caps told me so.
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Post by die » Wed Jun 01, 2005 5:37 pm

No seriously why were grown dudes sleeping at your crib?
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Repo Man
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Post by Repo Man » Wed Jun 01, 2005 5:40 pm

He got kicked out of his house because his wife found a mayo rubber in his car.
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die
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Post by die » Wed Jun 01, 2005 5:42 pm

Did Rock /Paper/Scissors decide anything in the custody battle?
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Repo Man
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Post by Repo Man » Wed Jun 01, 2005 5:46 pm

It would have, if his kid survived this freak firecracker incident where he blew up his balls and then resembled Wyle E. Motherfucking Coyote.
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die
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Post by die » Wed Jun 01, 2005 5:48 pm

I'm scared I'm begininng to actually make you less funny somehow.
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Repo Man
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Post by Repo Man » Wed Jun 01, 2005 5:51 pm

Impossible.

As long as you continue to try to punch out cool slang and goofy stories about things you saw on cartoons, I will ALWAYS have material.


Like you (or Jay-Z) haven't beaten "Your boy" to death.
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madskills
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Post by madskills » Wed Jun 01, 2005 5:55 pm

Back in middle school there was a kid on our street noone liked that wanted to be me and my brother's friend so bad and would always try to join in what we did.

so finally one day we told him we were sneaking out at night to go egg houses and shit, a common neighborhood practice, told him to dress in dark clothes, come to our backyard at midnight, and shine a flashlight in our bedroom window when he was there.


that night when he got there, me and my brother woke up my parents and told them we thought someone was trying to break into our house. they looked outside to see a kid dressed in all black with a flashlight and called the cops. he got fucked.
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Post by n-MITY » Wed Jun 01, 2005 7:26 pm

Dude, Repo and die insulting each other is like (get this one, Robot) watching the greatest jedi duel of all time, but it never ends.
"I don't want to completely destroy you, I hope that through our arguments you become smarter and/or more like myself."--die
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