The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

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The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by lionheart » Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:22 pm

I came back to this site for the first time in a while because I need to find some sane voices in the great internet wilderness. This movie was fucking TERRIBLE; it did more damage to the Star Wars story than all three prequels combined. Where do we begin?

1. This Movie Buttfucks Luke Skywalker

This happens really late in the movie, but it the most important "Fuck You" that Rian Johnson flips to the audience. We haven't seen Luke Skywalker since he bravely entered the Death Star, fought and converted the second most evil Sith Lord to the light, defeated the Empire, and saved the republic. He then left a map behind to lead the resistance back to him in their hour of need. Finally, at the end of TFA, Rey reaches him to deliver his lightsaber. So what is Johnson's response?

"Fuck you", he begins, as Skywalker throws the lightsaber away. "Nothing you grew to love matters because I am a nihilist and therefore so is all of the SW continuum." Luke has become a coward, trying to KILL KYLO IN HIS FUCKING SLEEP, and gets his ass beat by Rey, who has had roughly thirty seconds of training. He also doesn't face Kylo man to man, but rather needlessly creates a diversion just to vaporize and die anyway.

2. Nothing that was teased is delivered because Nihilism.

Nothing matters! Rey's parents were teased; they don't matter. Snoke came advertised as historically powerful, but that's gone now because it doesn't matter. Phasma's back and exciting this time, except not really just kidding. Luke's reason to carefully leave behind his coordinates? Doesn't matter. There were tons of opportunities to pay off great scenes that they skipped because writing is hard.

3. Every woman is smart, forward thinking, and brave. Men are all fucking morons.

Rey is literally perfect; she doesn't need training to beat Luke Skywalker in a duel, defeat Kylo Ren in combat twice, overcome the Praetorian Elite guards, pilot the Millennium Falcon or guns with incredible skill, complete Force Persuasion or Force Pull moves, or move fifty rocks at this time.

Leia and Holdo are both the deep, strategic thinkers that propel the Republic. Leia can also force-fly like Mary Goddamned Poppins. Holdo has a brilliant plan that she decides to tell no one, including Poe Dameron that just destroyed StarKiller Base or Finn who is the renowned hero. Ri-fucking-diculous.

Meanwhile, Finn is looking to leave stupidly, Poe is juvenile and overly impulsive, Luke is grouchy dickhole, Kylo Ren remains an emo pussy, and Snoke was duped like a complete moron.

4. YOU get a Plothole! And YOU get a Plothole! Everybody gets a Plothole!

Apparently now you can just hyper speed through giant Empire ships? Why not do this with a droid, Holdo? Also, why not use this to, I dunno, blow up Starkiller Base, or the Death Star, or the Second Death Star? Luke blew up the first Death Star with a single blaster shot; we don't think a light-speed ship would do the same damage? GTFO.

Holdo doesn't tell anyone her plan, and we all are forced to sit through that horrible Casino set.

In the Casino, why didn't Del Toro let himself out before Finn and Rose arrived? If neither of them is a mole, how could the Empire have known that they were spies and put Del Toro there as a trap fake "hacker"?

What happened after the lightsaber explosion? Rey and Ren are separated and we never see that exchange. Magically Rose and Finn are saved from being right under the executioner's axe and suddenly Phasma and company are safely away. WHAT THE FUCK.

Why did that fat Asian bitch Rose knock out Finn? Yes, great, you saved him for ten seconds, but then the First Order would blow you both away. Plus, you just screwed over the entire Resistance in the cave behind you were it not for the Jedi Miracle you knew nothing about. WHAT THE FUCK.

5. Now what?

I really don't give a shit. The amount of effort taken to submarine this franchise is truly impressive.
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by die » Mon Jan 08, 2018 7:46 pm

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I've said variations of everything that you just said to everybody I know over the past couple of weeks.

Like, when I was in the movie theater, I couldn't believe that this was even real. Last Jedi is the worst Star Wars movie ever made and it proves me right for fucking hating SJWs.

I don't give a fuck about episode 9 or that Han Solo curtain hanger abortion. Disney SW has officially lost me.

Last Jedi "looks" amazing visually and the trailers really got me hyped. It was all just a ploy though, because this film got virtually everything wrong and the people who try to defend it look retarded while trying.

Fuck this movie.
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by lionheart » Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:49 pm

The arc of being super excited to see this, then seeing it and thinking I disliked it, then thinking on it a little longer and realizing how terrible it actually was proved to be quite a trip.

How can THAT MUCH MONEY be managed by people that are so fundamentally stupid? This is a multi-billion-dollar franchise that was just irreparably bungled. Kathleen Kennedy and Rian Johnson shouldn't be trusted to manage a Pizza Hut.
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by Shwiggie » Wed Jan 10, 2018 1:38 am

I posted the following on my board in multiple posts:

Who was Laura Dern's character Holdo supposed to be? They acted like we should know and that it should be totally obvious.

In any case, this movie sucked. Is it just me, or are they completely riffing off the original movies? TFA was a direct remake of ANH. This...what did they ever actually do?

The Resistance is a bunch of poseurs. They beat the Dreadnaught early on in totally ridiculous fashion...with bombers...in space...yeah, think about that bullshit for a second. Then they jump to lightspeed, and then they sit around getting blasted at for two WHOLE hours. Granted, the thing about hitting hyperdrive straight into the First Order/Second Empire was freaking inspired...but why in the hell didn't they plan that from the get-go? And tell Poe about it so he doesn't commit mutiny? And being that he was demoted for not following orders earlier (which frankly should have been a court-martial if we're an actual military here) how is he not executed as a turncoat? And then they evacuate all super secretly to the nearby M-Class (heh) planet, while the 1st Order idiots obviously wouldn't have figured out without Benicio del Toro tipping them off.

Which brings me to the Collector Codebreaker thing. That was a complete and utter waste of time, a worthless jaunt that serves only to give Finn something to do other than whimper about Rey being gone. Oh, and it conveniently explains how 1st Order breaks the Romulan cloaking device the Rebellion/Resistance bought off an evil capitalist Ferengi from the planet newcomer Rose hates so bad. Was this nothing but a diversity diversion exercise or something? Give the token minorities something to do? And if that sounds insulting, it damn well should be. The only benefit was working Phasma the shiny blaster-proof bitch back into the story, only to (apparently) get the axe.

Since when is Leia a force user? She's always had a bit of force awareness, but never anything like force manipulation. That was completely out of left field. But ignore that: what pivotal role did Leia play in this movie at all? What a waste. They'll never have the chance at a do-over, either, and I find that a total shame. I figure in the next movie she'll be traveling throughout the Outer Rim drumming up Resistance allies, which will explain her absense without whacking the character (I think it'd be fitting if they made Leia live on in the SW universe).

Re: Luke, I'll go back to my overriding theme: What. A. Waste. He did nothing worthwhile except finally explain why Ben turned to the dark side. Yeah, he fucking failed him, all right! God damn, son, you are indeed the shittiest Jedi Master in the history of forever. The only thing he accomplished was delaying the invasion of the base at the end, and then after force projecting a ghost to "fight" with Ben, he gives up the ghost and dies watching twin sunsets like in A New Hope. Come on! What a pussy.

Then there's Rey, who had to deal with Luke's whiny ass and finally kick his ass in a fight before giving up and moving on. But she's a woke Warsie, wanting to sense goodness in a surprisingly-stout-built Ben Solo (seriously, his man-boobs look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's from twenty years ago), and she gets fooled by Ben and Snoke. So they face off a la Palpatine, Luke, and Vader in Return of the Jedi. But Ben pulls an actual awesome move in bifurcating his boss! But...dammit, who the hell WAS Snoke? It's like how many licks it takes to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop, the world may never know who that sumbitch actually is. Then they fight the Neon Genesis Crimson Guard in a cool battle...only for them to re-enact the "I am your father" faceoff from Empire Strikes Back, only this time with Ben Solo taking over the 1st order and Rey barely escaping. Then, no sooner does he become the new supreme leader, he reverts to being a screaming whiny child. You'd think he'd have grown up a little with Uncle Luke threatening to murder him in his sleep rather than regressed, but anyway.

Just...arghh! This movie was twice as long as it needed to be. They accomplished exactly NOTHING with this movie, unless you're talking about Ben Solo and Purple Hairldo. I destroyed a whole day off going to a good theater an hour-and-a-half away. At least the recliner was comfortable. Some of the trailers were fun, but I can't tell you what the movies' names are aside from the Avengers. I liked the one about the Matrix ripoff populated with video game characters in particular.

Also, while I don't particularly care for the humor of the Marvel CU-inspired dialogue, BB-8 is still reliably hilarious and one of the more useful members of the cast.

...

I have to say: given how the cruiser sliced through so many First Order ships when it went to lightspeed, they should repurpose every lightspeed-capable X-Wing to be remote-piloted (or by more non-lovable droids) and hyperdrive them through everything. Conservation of linear momentum is just as true in the vacuum of space (more so in fact) than on earth, and rather than a bullet through a target it'd be like a rail-gun going through Kleenex.

For that matter, aim a Super Star Destroyer at a planet and then have it go superluminal...who needs a Death Star? It might not destroy the planet, but it'd demolish a continent and wipe the rest of the surface down with tsunamis. Then again, I don't think any Star Wars planet besides Naboo actually has been shown to have oceans, and they all seem to resemble gas giants in the orbital shots...so the tsunami assumption may be moot.

The humor is very MCU-esque. It works for comic book flicks; not so much with Star Wars. The other movies were less blatant, communicating it mostly through glances or off-hand comments. Thematically, this isn't very Star Wars-ish to me. It has the trappings, but, for example, how many times in this one did you hear anyone say, "I've got a bad feeling about this?" It goes toward ... "this is not going to go the way you think." That was as much directed toward the audience as it was any character in the movie. It's further proof that the movie didn't just happen to subvert every theme the franchise is known for: it was deliberately designed to.

I have to wonder: what does Lucas think about this movie? Not that it matters, as he's a billionaire after giving it up, and he's in no way absolved from the incredible stilted manner of the prequels. But they didn't take a massive corny shit on the whole thing like this one did.

...

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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by die » Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:00 am

Spot-on review, Shwiggie. This movie legit gave me a surreal feeling, like I could not believe it was real. The inbred motherfuckers in my movie theater LOVED THE FUCK OUT OF IT. They laughed and cheered and clapped at all of the horse shit. I pretty much wanted to leave 5 minutes in. All I could compare it to was Epsiode 1, but at least Ep 1 had an epic lightsaber battle as a reward for the bullshit. Last Jedi completely fucks over the viewer, zero payoff.
I have to wonder: what does Lucas think about this movie? Not that it matters, as he's a billionaire after giving it up, and he's in no way absolved from the incredible stilted manner of the prequels. But they didn't take a massive corny shit on the whole thing like this one did.
So, I don't know if you have read any of this in the news leading up to the film, if not, then it's going to give you a laugh... George Lucas got invited to the set and pretty much clowned on them for how they were making the movie. The funny part is, it was reported that Rian Johnson was a HUGE Star Wars fan and patterned his career after his idol George Lucas. The only actual statement that I saw from Lucas' himself through his rep was stating that the movie was "beautifully shot" and yeah, this movie LOOKS fucking incredible. It's a giant cornfilled cigar-shaped turd that is dressed in a beautiful Barbie dress with sparkles and bows on it. Lucas is old, grumpy, and a jaded butthurt bastard, but the dude ain't senile, he knows what's up. It doesn't benefit him to bury the brand. He kinda made himself look like an ass during the promotion for Force Awakens, so he's been a bit stealthier this time around with his comments. It's funny how during the promoting of Last Jedi we hear Kathleen Kennedy praising Rian Johnson's work on Last Jedi to the point of a spirited queef of I'M GIVING HIM HIS OWN ENTIRE SW TRILOGY TO DIRECT while Mark Hamill continues to flat out tell everybody in every interview that Johnson fucked up Luke's character.


Anyways, this feels like the perfect time to resurrect my RANTBOT 3000 persona and tell you what I really feel about this movie... FIRST: The Good: This movie looks amazing. It is THE BEST looking SW movie ever. We've truly arrived at a point where practical and CG effects are making sweet digital love and then skeeting into our eye sockets...

and this nigga Rian Johnson STILL Shockmaster Entrances the damned thing.

Snoke went out like a bitch, Rey is a dirty nobody, Luke is a coward, Kylo still emo.

Yeah, the only positive really pretty much is how well it's shot and how great it looks. Fuck the entire dialogue of this movie though. The little fat Asian chick who looks like Sammo Hung disguised as Miss Swan from Mad TV actually said some shit about wanting to "put her fist through this town" because it was basically a town full of intergalactic MAGA hat wearing space republicans. (Make Alderaan Go-boom Again)

Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi is the cinematic equivalent of fast-spreading inoperable incurable dick cancer. Fuck these motherfuckers for making those misleading trailers, Jesus on a flaming pogoball, FUUUCCKKK I was SO HYPED for this movie and they bait-and-switched on my monkey ass soooo hard. If you liked Force Awakens, then Rian Johnson punished you for it... if you liked the original trilogy, he made a Cumpilation of every moneyshot your mom has ever taken, put in on Pornhub and then tagged you in the link by your full government name.

This movie fucked up OUT THE DAMN GATE with a yo momma joke. Shiiiiittttt. You got Bart Dameron calling Hux's Tavern and Hux is all like: I'M LOOKING FOR AMANDA HUGGINKISS...CAN ANYBODY FIND ME AMANDA HUGGINKISS??? Fuck them for this, it's a SW movie, how do I remember that but they don't? Then, the stupid ass army-of-one scene with Poe in the X-wing ---- TIMEOUT---- Now I just gotta point out that the X-wing thing is a cog in the giant wheel that fucks this universe now. The Fast And Furious movies are a shit series that has made money in China, it's clear that they tossed in a "fast" scene where Poe pulls the intergalactic emergency brake and does a Jakku Drift move as one of the tactics to fingerbang the Asian market. The Disney Hitlers probably thought that shit looked cool and would "wow" millennial fans and squint-eyes alike, but never thought about how it would effect SW lore. Like, in all other SW movies speed in battle propels you forward, the death star trench scene is a perfect example, NOW THIS IS (not) PODRACING!!!111!... you can't just e-brake and drift in battles like that... you can't lightspeed-dash through star destroyers...you can't Peter-Quill your way out of a cold space death after getting blown up and murdered...you can't use the force to see people naked and you don't drop bombs in space. Again, Disney Hitlers knew George Lucas choreographed Ep4 to old WWII dogfights and thought this would make fans mark out despite the retardedness of the whole idea.

Disney gave us the stupid casino storyline because they want to keep these characters separated. There was originally supposed to be a Poe and Finn team up, but Disney still isn't ready to address the "gay thing" in SW (even though Finn's space-suit-of-healing was skeeting all over Poe in one scene). They also don't want to address the "space swirl" with Finn & Rey. Rose was clearly the attempt to win over the Asian market, which if you're following the news, they fucking failed hard as fuck at. They didn't know what to do with the characters, so they essentially just wrote around them.

When Rose kissed Finn, he totally looked exactly like how a gay dude would react to a hetero kiss. Not sure if that was the plan or what, but jesus son...

Nothing makes sense in Disney SW. Peace was restored in episode 6 and now the heroes of that time are fucking miserable and busted. You don't learn how the First Order comes to be or who Snoke is or any of that shit. They drop the whole KNIGHTS OF REN thing and even between episodes 7 and 8, they don't explain how the First Order can get raped and come right back and be running shit again. I feel like this movie should've started with the First Order running for their lives from the Resistance.

What we got was a Resistance that is now made up of all earth women of every ethnicity and 3 aliens (Ackbar, Nien Nunb AKA "Pussy Jaws" and that Space Camel X-wing pilot that JarJar Abrams named after a Beastie Boys album).

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MY CALLSIGN IS "RED 5" BECAUSE I'M ON MY PERIOD FOR 5 DAYS EVERY MONTH


also, I JUST REMEMBERED...there are actually 2 camel aliens named after Beastie Boys songs/records. There's a-fucking-nother one in LJ. So, you got Ello Asty and Slowen Lo. fuck my life.

I CAN'T STAND IT, I KNOW YOU PLANNED IT...


Fuck a subtle social commentary, this movie was a full on ironic SJW Antifa rally. Laura Dern shows up as Admiral Gender Studies and I can't help but notice that I may be the only person that caught the lesbian undertones there with her and Leia....


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There's a moment where you realize why Leia and Han became "just friends", Surely, he was off smuggling and being a typical selfish male rolling stone type and she found "intellectual and sexual" comfort with a strong woman in his absence, You know, because that's what strong intelligent women do, right???????

along with Supermanning her way back onto a space cruiser and banging on the door like LET ME IN, ITS COLDASFUQ IN TEH SPACE

or in Admiral Lesbian Dance Theory's case... PUNCH-IT-CHEWIE RIGHT THRU THE PLOT

fuck this movie.

If the all lesbian book club resistance fighters wasn't hamfisted enough for you, the First Order had dudes that looked straight-up like Alex Jones and Rush Limbaugh this time around. They even made it clear that the First Order were dicks and the Resistance were peaceful intelligent strong female leaders. Some Alex Jones looking mofo stands up and says HEY BOYS, THESE NIGGERS ARE RUNNING OUT OF GAS AND WON'T GET AWAY FROM US BEFORE WE BLAST THEM WITH OUR GODDAMN GUNS YEEEEEHAAAW

and then the grey-haired witch nosed jewish librarian chick on the Resistance that they show 30 times (along with Carrie Fisher's daughter for some reason) is all like OI VEY THESE GUYS ARE SO DICKS I JUST WANT TO READ AND COFFEES

SNOKE CAN SENSE EVERYTHING AND FORCE-RAPE PEOPLE WITH HIS MIND ANY TIME THAT HE WANTS TO...until he magically and stupidly can't...

Snoke rhymed with joke for a reason, what a goddamned shitty death...

Luke milks a dinosaur space camel and goes polevault-fishing for space sharks. Rey's parents were meth heads...

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Also Luke's island had frog nuns on it. He called them "caretakers", but you just know if they have anything resembling a pussy, he was fucking them soooooo hard on that island on long cold lonely nights.

Meanwhile, Rey dives into the island's butthole AKA the dark place on Dagobah but made out of the black Spidey symbiote.

oh and they fucked up with the lightsaber scene. They clearly were headed in a different direction in the ending of Force Awakens. Luke looked emotional, like he knew Han died and he was being called to action. Then in Last Jedi he just tosses that shit and goes to fuck off. He also made sure there was a map to make it all happen.

Benecio Del Toro was garbage, his stutter was comical... a space leprechaun put Showbiz pizza tokens in BB-8.

the force works like Facetime and you can have conference call jedi battles.

Even if Kylo was dumb enough to be fooled by a force projection hologram, wouldn't common sense make him say WAIT HOW'D HE GET THE LIGHTSABER I JUST DESTROYED BACK INTO MINT CONDITION AND WE DONT EVEN HAVE JUST-FOR-MEN IN SPACE WTF LOLOLOLOLOL

or maybe...

25 AT AT WALKERS SHOT HIM AND HE DUSTED HIS SHOULDER OFF, I NEED TO LEARN THAT FORCE MOVE

they have mini spaceship irons that steam press First Order uniforms and intergalactic casino tuxedos BUT MOTHERFUCKERS ARE USING REGULAR EARTH BROOMS TO SWEEP. There are no Roomba equivalents in space.

no lightsabers actually clashed in this film. You had Rey and Ben vs Lego guards with Ivy's sword from Soul Caliber, Luke fighting Rey with a stick for no reason and then Kylo and Luke on conference call battle

Resistance secret decoder rings...ugh.

the thing with the gold space dice was dumb and shoehorned in

Yoda looked like he just stepped out of Battlefront 1 to be in this movie and he acted like Trolling Yoda from ESB when he was just fucking with Luke. LOL at Yoda for being reverse hipster, all like BETTER THAN THE BOOK, THE MOVIE WAS, HMMM HMMM

they casually killed off Ackbar... UNFORFUCKINGGIVABLE...

Luke is a creeper uncle. He tried to kill his nephew is his sleep lol. Fucking dumb, HEY HOW ABOUT JUST HAVE LUKE SENSING DARKNESS IN KYLO AND TELLING KYLO HE WON'T TRAIN HIM ANYMORE, THEN KYLO FLIPS OUT ON LUKE. Rian Johnson was bitching in an interview about not knowing how to make Luke's character work. I mean, dude... You got rich by taping down Joseph Gordon Levitt's nose and telling him to squint to look like Bruce Willis. Of course you fucking won't know to continue the EASIEST FUCKING STORY OF A CHARACTER EVER.

Chewbacca is basically just an easter egg now.

roasted porg looked like Mr. Potato Head

Disney clearly inserted the theme of letting the jedi die, Kylo saying LET ALL OF IT DIE. Disney wants fans to want it to die so that they can get young actors and make new movies every year and not rely on established characters that are old actors now.

they kill off Luke & Han, keep Leia alive and CARRIE FISHER IS DEAD. You fucked up there, Disney. Good luck working that shit out in Ep 9. They should've had Leia just die in that scene, it would've made more sense that way storyline wise and real-life wise. It was set-up perfectly to work, then Leia does a goddamned Kal El on that ass.

How can we have all of these great new effects and technology for movie making and the new trilogy thus far is only making MOTHERFUCKING CAMEL LOOKING ALIENS. In the other movies they have tentacles, rat faces, lizard heads, prune faces, alien faces, etc. but all the new movies can come up with is camel looking motherfuckers.

ALSO old school Hollywood directors would add personal touches, you know like how Chewbacca was inspired by Lucas' real life co-pilot dog. Jar Jar Abrams is like I WANT TO NAME PEOPLE AFTER BEASTIE BOYS ALBUMS AND MY GRANDPA. Motherfucker, you didn't INVENT this shit... ask Lucas what the fuck he wants shit to be named. They just do shit and don't know why. As Snave once coined: crap for crap's sake. They know people did shit, but they aren't sure why or really how. That's why they are ripping off ideas from Ralph Maquarrie's old proto sketches and using them in the new movies.



The throne room scene with Snoke and Rey was lifted directly from ROTJ but with red lego face guards instead of red spy vs spy bird faced guards.

Hux tried to kill Kylo after the throne room battle, then Kylo force-choked Hux to death afterwards and later Hux shows up back alive talking shit to Kylo and treating him like a bitch even though now with Snoke gone, Kylo could just kill Hux ...again. BUT THEY JUST ARGUE LOL.

Stupid non-ending for the movie. A Stupid random kid force-sweeping. Fuck them for that. You are supposed to make people hyped for the 3rd film, not make them want to put all of their Star Wars merchandise on ebay. AND to add dick puncture to injury, the kids name isn't Luke Floorsweeper, it's an even more stupider ass name...

http://me.ign.com/en/movies/141352/news ... orphan-boy

^ read that shit... Who's your fucking favorite SW character??? I fucking know mines is TEMIRI BLAGG.

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merchandising son, do you speak it? this lil bastard's action figure is gonna have A GOTTDAMNED BROOM.

-And did you notice that all of the Disney SW movies have action figures IN THE MOVIE? Rey has a X-wing figure, Young Jen Erso had a Stormtrooper doll and these slave kids in TLJ have Star Wars toys IN A STAR WARS MOVIE. How subtle is that marketing ploy?????????

wtf were they thinking with this? They want to let people know that EVEN POOR BROKE DIRTY HOMELESS MOTHERFUCKERS CAN BE JEDIS TOO!!! no shit, ever heard of this orphaned annoying little fuck named LUKE SKYWALKER who lived on a dirt planet and ate toothpaste water ffs??? SHIT MAN, Anakin was a slave... Sandpeople gangbanged his mom in all of her holes until she drowned in their bukkake. Yup, that's correct sirs, they all traveled in a single file line (like Ben Kenobi said they would) up to her as she was chained S&M style to a stripper pole in a tent made of indian people flesh and they each made those crazy sounds when they busted multiple nuts onto her until Anakin showed up to clean up. When he got there, mind you, he had a mullet in a ponytail PLUS a rat tail. You're gonna need more than a homeless kid with a broom to out-white-trash the Skywalkers, sir.

besides, they killed the whole point of their entire hamfisted SJW sideplot because this is how it played out...


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Finn: "While I totally applaud the fact that you can sweep the fuck out of a floor and you wear Shang Tsung's hat from MK2.. we are only here to free giant rabbit dog race camels that make wookie sounds, not slave children."

Rose Teacup: "Awww look...somebody done went and threw away a perfectly good white boy"

ROLL CREDITS









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No, Motherfucker.. YOUR Snoke Theory sucks.


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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by Zytorg777 » Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:53 pm

Wow . I can only add an anecdote to these proceedings.

So my sjw sister from New York came in to my parents house for the holidays right? Says she wanted us all to see the Last Jedi right? Right....

So we sitting in the theatre and my wife has not seen the force awakens right? Right...

So when Kylo takes off his helmet she turns to me in all seriousness and says: “omg is that Turd Nuggets guy!?”

I was done after that.

Also of note for discussion: there were 7 movies previewed before the movie. Six had strong female leads. The other was infinity war. Predicative feminist programming agenda in full swing. All hail the force vag

Edit: kylo was good in Logan Lucky
Last edited by Zytorg777 on Sun Jan 14, 2018 5:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by $nave » Sun Jan 14, 2018 5:03 pm

This is the best rant. I've flushed the last jedi from my memory and left a memo not to see anymore Star Wars movies. It will only disappoint, never payoff any set up, and just really piss me off.

The Last Jedi makes me want to go back in time when my major Star Wars beef was Lucas changing who shot first. The sins of the prequels are forgiven. TLJ is the worst. Maybe Lucas is sitting on his throne of dollars congratulating himself on how he is no longer the biggest villain in Star Wars. He had Jar Jar fart jokes, and I want him back instead of Disney.

Cue the Mick Foley ECW promos about Eric Bischoff. Take me home, Uncle George. The Last Jedi broke my brain.
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by die » Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:30 pm

I've flushed the last jedi from my memory and left a memo not to see anymore Star Wars movies.
Just add this to your memory to the end of TFA and pretend Last Jedi never happened...



^ that's how I plan on remembering things when it comes to Disney SW.


Speaking of TFA endings... did you see the interview where Mark Hamill reveals another major Disney fuck up?




plus: 2 years later and Daisy Ridley still hasn't Googled MARY SUE:



Gottdamn sons... how are these billion dollar industries half-assing and fucking up so hard? I mean, if you went back in time and told my 12 year old self that one day we'd get a live action Justice League movie, I'd have vaporized into dust...then explain them CG'ing out a mustache and giving Supe's a set of Freddie Mercury teeth, I'd re-materialize and snort my own ashes left from previous vaporization.

I'd turn into a ghost and haunt myself for life if you revealed Luke Skywalker milking space camels with a Hordak slime pit bukkake beard.

this shit is beyond all fucking understanding for me.


Please tell me if you understand how people can be involved in the BIGGEST FRANCHISE EVER and be this fucking clueless:



How are you the MAIN STAR of 2 Star Wars movies and not know anything about Star Wars? Guess it's safe to say that Daisy Ridley isn't much of a method actor? AND holy hell at Mark Hamill's response to Rian Johnson saying Leia isn't a jedi lol

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ffffffuuuuucccckkkk
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lionheart
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by lionheart » Tue Jan 16, 2018 4:12 pm

Outstanding, A+ rant there. I don't care that Daisy Ridley is a dimwitted idiot; she's incredibly cute, passably athletic, and is there to play pretend. She should probably STFU when people ask her questions because she loses a lot of credibility when her idiocy gets exposed like that.
"Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski! Condolences! The bums lost!"
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by die » Tue Jan 16, 2018 6:37 pm

Daisy Ridley is indeed cute enough to cancel out her dumbness. I can only applaud her for doing a nude scene in a movie as well. Bravo.

However, Disney just keeps fucking up. Maybe it was not just a great idea to plan on continuing the story right after Force Awakens splicing scenes from TFA with TLJ like they did. It's like, one minute Rey is looking like vintage Keira Knightly and the next scene she's built like Ronda Rousey. It'd have made more sense if months had passed and she had been training the whole time. Fuck, I could make this movie 100x better with about 10 minutes of brainstorming. They should be applauded for fucking up so epically.

It's fucked up that the majority of their bad press comes from within lol. I mean, how awesome is this for promoting the brand:



they could've just said FUCK DISNEY
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by PhreakyMex » Tue Jan 16, 2018 8:02 pm

DAMN...

it took this to get everyone out of the wood work...

Everyone go back to sleep now... wait till may 4... so you can eviscerate Infinity war...

BTW i thought Last Jedi was OK... not great... a lot of stupid shit went on that should have never gone on... and a lot of it was covered in die's epic rant... but i thought it was ok.
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by die » Thu Jan 18, 2018 3:34 am

Holy shit...Hola, the Mex that is Phreaky. When I was typing my review out, I was like "I bet Mex comes in and gives this movie a 9.4 out of 10" lololololol. But seriously, I felt there would be NO WAY this movie could fail. I liked the characters from TFA and the trailers for TLJ looked even more amazing. I didn't go into this as my normal Asshole Eeyore self, I promise. I really wanted this fucking movie to restore glory to the Star Wars Universe.

To be fair to the film, I re-watched quite a few scenes and I see a bit better what they were going for in some areas. The movie still sucks and there's no salvaging the casino side-quest...
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BUT some things are a bit better upon closer examination. There's some dialogue from Kylo when he's force-facetiming with Rey and he says something like YOU'RE NOT DOING THIS, THE EFFORT WOULD KILL YOU. I still hate the force-ghost-projection thing at the end, but at least they made some effort in setting it up. I will never be able to like TLJ, but I hate it about 20% less than I did when I first saw it.

Not that it matters though. Excitement for Episode 9 now is in fucking negative digits with that busted ass ending in TLJ.

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As for Infinity War, man... I REALLY hope they don't fuck it up. I generally love the Marvel movies. I even really dig the ones that a lot of diehard fans are lukewarm towards, like Iron Man 2, GotG2 and Thor Ragnarok (BUT Iron Man 3 fucking sucked!). I'm just really anxious about who they are going to kill off and how that's going to be handled, especially in the movies that follow.
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by PhreakyMex » Thu Jan 18, 2018 6:04 pm

well as you saw... i didnt absolutely love it... but i also didnt completely and utterly hate it... so yea... we have some agreeance on this...

I just thought Rian Johnson was such a good choice for this because of Looper... but apparently they gave him so much free reign... that he fucked a lot of possibly awesome shit up so royally.. that its at this point, wholly unfuckable

The Han Solo abortion of a movie, i'll catch that on Solar Movie... As for episode IX.. i hold out hope that JJ can right this ship.

I have lots of faith in the Russo's that they can handle 70 plus heroes in two movies...lets see

meanwhile, La Pantera Negra looks bad ass and it comes out the day after my bday....
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by Shwiggie » Fri Jan 19, 2018 1:50 am

die wrote:To be fair to the film, I re-watched quite a few scenes and I see a bit better what they were going for in some areas. The movie still sucks and there's no salvaging the casino side-quest...I will never be able to like TLJ, but I hate it about 20% less than I did when I first saw it.
The more I think about the movie, the more I hate it. Watching any of it again is not something I intend to do.
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Re: The Last Jedi Can Suck My Fucking Balls (Spoilers)

Post by die » Sat Jan 20, 2018 4:52 am

Shwiggie wrote:
Fri Jan 19, 2018 1:50 am
The more I think about the movie, the more I hate it. Watching any of it again is not something I intend to do.
Oh, same here... that's why I was only able to watch some of it and had to tap out. I just had to accept that it deserved a bit more credit than I initially gave it.

But yeah, it's pretty much still a broken movie. Kylo Ren probably had the most character arc in this movie. While watching TLJ, he felt like the main character most of the time. I'd like to be able to count Kylo as a positive part of the film, but they fucked him up in the end. I mean, did anybody else wonder how they could transition a scene from Hux plotting to kill Kylo, to a scene with Kylo & Hux having a comical argument in the At-At scene when they fired on Luke? I personally think that they spliced in those 2 scenes out-of-order. Kylo's heel/face turns are like Lisa's in The Room.
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